It's nearly midnight on December 14th and I'm cuddling with you on the couch. You just finished nursing and you're passed out cold on my chest. The only light in the living room right now is from the Christmas tree and I seriously can't fathom that in just 10 short days, you will be exactly four months old.
Four months may not seem like a long time to you...and it's not. And it most definitely has flown by for me...which is why I wanted to write you this letter.
Sometimes the world works in mysterious ways and things happen that we cannot control nor can we understand. I won't go in to details because they don't matter but something like that happened today. It's hit home for a lot of people I know...especially those with young kids. And while your Daddy and Big Sis are tucked tightly in bed, I am here on this couch with you. Breathing in your sweet baby smell that keeps fading and fading. Listening to nothing but your quiet breaths by my ear. Telling myself that I should go throw those diapers in the dryer and that we should get to bed but I don't want to move...not one inch.
You have brought such a wholeness to our lives and I hope you know, Carson, how much you are truly loved. I will be the first to admit that there are not nearly as many pictures of you as there is of your sister. This is not because we love her more...it is simply because we are so busy LIVING our lives with you now in it that we've let that important task slip. I promise to take more pictures...starting today. And I hope when you look back at baby books and photo albums that you don't feel slighted or any less loved than what you are. I promise, you are very loved.
Your sister surprises me with how much she loves you. She is only two years old but always wants to hold you and kiss you and make you smile.
Your Daddy...well, he has a sparkle in his eye when he looks at you that very few people have produced before...I saw it on our wedding day and I see it every time he looks at your sister, too.
And I love you. Oh how can I even begin to describe how much I love you. So incredibly much. You came into our lives so powerfully and peacefully. You allowed me the opportunity to trust my strength as a woman and you have made caring for you and nourishing you so incredibly effortless. We just work so well together, you and I, and I love that too.
So thank you little man for being such an amazing blessing in our lives. As I sit here with you quietly sleeping on my chest, I am trying my absolute hardest to absorb all that is you in this very moment. Because I know that all too soon you will be running and jumping and getting into trouble with your sis and these sacred, peaceful moments (that I shared with her, too) will be but a memory in my mind and my heart. A memory that no one will truly ever understand until they become a parent. A memory that you may not consciously remember but I hope is forever ingrained into your heart and soul as it is mine.
My love to you, sweet baby.
~ Jen ~
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