The number 7 and the number 21 have always had a very significant impact on my life. Call it coincidence or call it fate, I don't know, but anyone who loves numbers (and a little bit of craziness) can appreciate this.

I was born on the 7th day of the month and Chris was born on the 21st. We started dating on the 21st of June, married on the 21st of July and if you add up all the letters in his name, my married name AND my maiden name, guess what you get? Yep...21!

Joleigh was born on the 7th of the month as well. And I was sure as sure could be that if Carson ended up being born on the 21st of the month, that I would probably have to submit this info to some crazy scientists somewhere so they could explain the trend to me. He ended up being born on the 25th though so it didn't work out quite the way I thought it would, however, the numerology nut in me did find it interesting that, at the very least, the two numbers in the day he was born (25), added up to 7...ok, but that's just me being weird. :)

ANYwho...while he may be the odd man out, Carson does still have a special correlation with the number 21 in our family.

Sadly, two years ago today on December 21, our family suffered a tremendous loss when we said goodbye to one of the most caring, generous and kind-hearted souls you could meet. At just 33 years young, we said goodbye to our dear cousin Kurt. One of the last times I had seen him was when I was pregnant with Joleigh. He knew my office was at the River City Center so he popped in one afternoon to say hi and drop me off a [decaf] double-double from Tim Hortons. "I bought you a muffin, too" he said. "Cuz you need to take care of that little cousin of mine in your belly." Then he gave me a big hug and went off on his merry way. I hadn't seen him for months (which wasn't unusual) and sadly, did not hear any news of him until I found out about his passing.

Fast forward to exactly one short year later and I'm staring at a home pregnancy test that just showed me two lines and I feel like I'm going to faint. Could it really be?! But we weren't really trying?! Oh my GAWD I'm going to be a mom to "2 under 2"! After the dust settled and the reality of our newest circumstance kicked in, I realized that it was Decemberi 21st - a very special day in our hearts. So while Carson may not have been born on the 21st, he clearly has a connection to that number and to the cousin he'll never meet on this human earth that I think only I g can truly appreciate.

Today is a bittersweet day for me. And while the rest of the world is going on about the end of earth as we know it, I'm keeping my thoughts in check and being as "minimal" as possible by simply reliving the memories!

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A letter to my baby...

It's nearly midnight on December 14th and I'm cuddling with you on the couch. You just finished nursing and you're passed out cold on my chest. The only light in the living room right now is from the Christmas tree and I seriously can't fathom that in just 10 short days, you will be exactly four months old.

Four months may not seem like a long time to you...and it's not. And it most definitely has flown by for me...which is why I wanted to write you this letter.

Sometimes the world works in mysterious ways and things happen that we cannot control nor can we understand. I won't go in to details because they don't matter but something like that happened today. It's hit home for a lot of people I know...especially those with young kids. And while your Daddy and Big Sis are tucked tightly in bed, I am here on this couch with you. Breathing in your sweet baby smell that keeps fading and fading. Listening to nothing but your quiet breaths by my ear. Telling myself that I should go throw those diapers in the dryer and that we should get to bed but I don't want to move...not one inch.

You have brought such a wholeness to our lives and I hope you know, Carson, how much you are truly loved. I will be the first to admit that there are not nearly as many pictures of you as there is of your sister. This is not because we love her is simply because we are so busy LIVING our lives with you now in it that we've let that important task slip. I promise to take more pictures...starting today. And I hope when you look back at baby books and photo albums that you don't feel slighted or any less loved than what you are. I promise, you are very loved.

Your sister surprises me with how much she loves you. She is only two years old but always wants to hold you and kiss you and make you smile.

Your Daddy...well, he has a sparkle in his eye when he looks at you that very few people have produced before...I saw it on our wedding day and I see it every time he looks at your sister, too.

And I love you. Oh how can I even begin to describe how much I love you. So incredibly much. You came into our lives so powerfully and peacefully. You allowed me the opportunity to trust my strength as a woman and you have made caring for you and nourishing you so incredibly effortless. We just work so well together, you and I, and I love that too.

So thank you little man for being such an amazing blessing in our lives. As I sit here with you quietly sleeping on my chest, I am trying my absolute hardest to absorb all that is you in this very moment. Because I know that all too soon you will be running and jumping and getting into trouble with your sis and these sacred, peaceful moments (that I shared with her, too) will be but a memory in my mind and my heart. A memory that no one will truly ever understand until they become a parent. A memory that you may not consciously remember but I hope is forever ingrained into your heart and soul as it is mine.

My love to you, sweet baby.

~ Jen ~

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone