When Did You Start Thinking You Weren't Good Enough?

I gotta rant on this crap for a minute here...because who seriously makes this stuff up? Using pictures of a beautiful baby for wrinkle creams? I mean, I get the cuteness and all but really?!

I grew up like many other typical teenage girls who didn't like the skin they were in. Probably starting around age 15 or 16, which is later than most girls I know, it seems that out of nowhere my world became an obsession with how much I weighed, what size my clothes were, whether my hair was just right, blah, blah, blah. I thought I was fat. I thought I needed a nose job because my nostrils weren't symmetrical. I thought my eyes were too squinty and that I just wasn't pretty enough.

Translation: wasn't good enough.

Looking back at old photos of myself as a teenager now makes me want to cry because I spent a hell of a long time hating on myself when I now know I was actually really beautiful. The beauty and purity of my heart shone out of my face like sunshine and if I only knew then what I know now, I wonder how many years I could've saved wasting time on things that truly don't matter....not to mention a lot of hurt.

If anything, all those years of self-hate really accomplished one thing and one thing only: they put me back a helluva long way now that I'm a mom in my 30's. I now deal with the most sorry excuse for a metabolism that anyone can imagine. I look at food and basically gain weight before even putting it in my mouth. My body is in a constant struggle with itself and I even lost my damn gallbladder at 17 years old!

I know that I will constantly have an uphill battle until I can get my body fully restored to health again and that's something I own and take responsibility for. BUT, my approach this last year or so has been completely life altering. Focusing from the inside-out, I've spent A LOT of time searching my soul and the dark recesses of my brain to figure out how I got to where I am and what I'm going to do to get to where I want to be without harming my body (or my mind).

But when I see pictures like the one above, I kinda just lose my proverbial shit and I know that's something I need to work on (so forgive me if it offends you).

In a matter of a few weeks, I'll have TWO daughters earthside. And I'll be damned if either one of them grows up thinking that there is ANYTHING wrong with themselves. I will never judge them on their appearance. I will never offer innocent "advice" on how they can improve their looks. And I will never, ever tell them that they could be better if they just: lost a little weight, threw on a little makeup, used this anti-whatever potion, dyed their hair a certain colour, wore this instead of that or any other piss poor excuse for "motherly encouragement".

I hope to raise fierce little girls who will grow up to be women who know their value and their worth and, pardon my language, will not give two sweet shits about wrinkles, stretch marks and uneven skin tone. I hope to raise girls who will stick up for themselves and play hard just like the boys and will know their strength and marvel in the abilities their bodies have...not worrying about how to fix them.

When did vanity become so cutthroat anyway? And it's coming at ya at all angles, too, these days! I get that a lot of people want and need to make money, but if your sole purpose of business is to tell people they're not good enough the way they are and that your product will save them, do NOT coming knocking at my door. I don't want your wraps or your creams or your vitamins. If you want to offer healthy solutions for learning how to love yourself and effect change in a natural, positive way, then I'm game.

I know I can't keep my kids in a bubble from the marketing and messages that are unfortunately being pummelled at them left, right and centre. But I can encourage them and love them and remind them over and over again of how perfect they truly are. And, more importantly, I can lead by example and show them that their mama believes that in herself, too.

That's where the real priority lies...

I Married My Father!

Ok, so that title may have caused a few heads to turn...but I don't mean literally of course! I often hear people say that a woman will often choose a life mate who very much resembles her father. I totally believe this to be true...for ME anyway.

My Dad and I have a very special kind of relationship. In the early years of my life when the Fort McMurray economy was...well...kind of like it is now, he had the chance to stay at home with me for the majority of our days while my Mom worked full time. He worked on various construction projects for a really long portion of his career and our family knew the same fear and turmoil that many families in Alberta are facing right now...a whole thirty years later. While I can't begin to imagine the stress and anxiety this caused my parents at the time, I'm kind of grateful it all happened the way it did because it allowed my Dad and I to develop a different kind of relationship that I feel very blessed to have.

  
I think Dad's get an unfair advantage for being typed as the only "big, strong, burly" figures in our lives. Don't get me wrong, my Dad is still all those things to me but I know he also has a soft, kind heart. He's the kind of man who would always have my back growing up (and I knew it). He would never, ever hold me back from doing what I wanted to do because I was a girl (except maybe mow the lawn). And I think I can count on one hand in total the amount of times he's raised his voice at me...although looking back the majority of those times were probably because I was interrupting the Habs game. Or there was that one time I was caught smoking...ha!

So what's your point, you say? Well, I write all of this as an opportunity to honour the man that has helped shape me into the woman I am today but also to highlight the very real fact that yes, I DID marry my father (and why that's so important to me).

That right there is MY hubby (well, his hands). Trying so very hard to put his little girl's hair in a ponytail before school. He did a pretty good job, too, considering his lack of experience.

It's moments like these (and so many others) that confirm everything I personally know about Daddy and Daughter relationships. It's moments like these that make me so very thankful (and proud) that this is the man I chose to marry and raise children with. It's moments like these, and knowing how much he and my Dad are alike, that give me hope that my daughters will also choose a life partner that will cherish and respect and love them more than they could ever imagine.

Because THAT's what it's all about...

Our daughters (and sons) need to know that they are loved. Simply and truly. Not only if they're following the rules. Not only if they're behaving the way YOU want them to behave. Not only if they're doing well in school or life. Always....and in all ways. It's up to us as parents, regardless of our personal experiences, to make damn sure that happens.

So many Dads work their asses off for their families and get very little time to spend with the ones they love. They carry such a huge weight on their shoulders and have to navigate a very different world when it comes to raising daughters. Moms don't often help either by naturally being critical (hey, I'm as guilty as the rest of you). BUT if we just took a moment every now and then to appreciate all of these little moments, I think it would do the men in our world a great service and give them a chance to shine their light in whichever way they know how. And when they do, let it happen. Let the moments unfold without trying to control them. Let them be the big kids they are...because that is exactly what we need more of in this world. Truly.

Peace & Health,
Jen

Finding Calm in the Chaos of Motherhood

I can feel when I’m becoming overwhelmed by motherhood. I begin to raise my voice a little sooner. I lose my cool over things I’d normally never bat an eye at. I sigh…a lot. Some days I wish that I had a “real job” that I could retreat to so that I could adult all day with other adults like it’s some kind of party. And other days I even resent my childless friends (and many times even my husband).

Sometimes it happens. I’m only human after all. I’m not proud of it but it is what it is. Show of hands, who can relate? And why?

Why do we do this to ourselves as moms? Why do we take the weight of the world and all of life’s responsibilities on our shoulders without asking for help? Are we trying to be superwomen on purpose? Are we looking for a medal? Because you know what? I don’t think that medal is ever coming…

So why the hell are we suffering? Well, for starters, I think it’s really hard to be a mom in today’s society. It seems everyone is fighting a battle that is never going to be won. I can be a stay at home mom who is constantly criticized by society for “giving up” my career (and don’t I dare complain about getting to stay home all day not having to “work”). Ha! I can also be a working mom who is constantly criticized by society, and other moms, for shortchanging my kids (and how dare I “let somebody else raise my kids”). MmmHmm…see where I’m going with this?

You can’t friggen win! Ever.

So here’s my solution: Stop Competing! Stop Comparing! Live and let live. And, if YOU are happy with YOUR life…guess what? You’re golden, pony boy!

 But how do we do that?

In my line of work as a yoga teacher and doula, I am beginning to notice an alarming trend of really, really stressed out moms with nowhere to turn and nobody to talk to. I know part of it is the standards we set for ourselves that, in most cases, are just too much. But another reason boils down to the cold hard truth that motherhood can be very, very lonely. And whether you leave the house to go to your place of employment or you spend your days at home, we’re all doing work. And at the end of the day, there’s only one person who is inside your head when the kids are finally in their own beds and you have hopefully done whatever tasks you need to do before you can fall into your own bed to seek solace before another day. When this happens day in and day out with no reprieve, we begin to get worn down. Being human, we get cranky. We have less patience and tolerance not only for our children, but also for human beings in general. Our sunny dispositions can quickly turn to an online catfight with the simple click of a ‘Like’ – and that’s where the competitions and criticisms and all-out wars come from. We know deep down that we’re all trying our best but when we personally feel defeated, we tend to lash out. Misery does love company as they say.

So when I’m feeling overwhelmed and can sense the temperature inside me is beginning to rise, what do I do?

I find an outlet.

Some days it’s a yoga class. Some days it's simply taking a few deep breaths. Other days I have a full out meltdown and cry like a baby. Whatever it is, it’s a way to release pent up energy and emotions and it works like a charm every single time. Then I vow to be more mindful of what’s happening in my world and each time it becomes easier and easier to notice that I’m letting myself get caught up in it all.

Finding balance as a mom is paramount. Why live a life of anxiety and stress and negativity? What purpose does that serve and do you really want your kids to grow up with a mom like that? I didn’t think so.

So show up for YOURSELVES mamas! Have a cold, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself: “Am I really happy?” If you’re not answering yourself back with a resounding YES then begin to peel back the layers of what’s going on in your world and find some small ways to change that so one day your answer will be different.

Reach out to a mama friend you trust. Tell your husband how you really feel. Sign up for that next yoga challenge and don’t ever feel guilty for taking care of yourself. Ever. Then let me know how you make out. Misery may love company but I believe the same to be true about happy people. It’s good to surround yourself with people who generally love life. Your energy feeds theirs and vice versa. Love it up and have fun!

We all have only one shot at this game of life so why not make it worth it? And then maybe, just maaaaaaaybe, we’ll become shining examples to our kids, too, so that they can grow up respecting themselves and knowing the true meaning of balance and happiness.

Think of the future they could have…

Peace & Health,
Jen

Me Time

I'm not sure what I did to make the pregnancy gods happy but whatever it was, I hope I keep it up!

It's just after 8:30. Both my kids are in their beds. I didn't have to stay in bed with either of them for nearly an hour in order to keep them there. I can now enjoy a hot cup of tea and it will actually stay HOT the whole time! #winning

Yes, there is a pile of laundry on that chair in the corner. No, I do not plan to fold it tonight. I'm doing me-time mamas! Have a glorious night! xo

Peace & Health,
Jen

Belly Doctors

These little nutcases are excited to soon meet the newest little member of the family. Carson, my youngest, asked me today if our town had belly doctors? I asked him what for? He replied with, "Well there is a baby in your belly so you need a belly doctor!"

He's three.

I can't wait to teach him about all the different kinds of "belly doctors" there are...being the son of a doula, he has no idea what he's in for when he's older!

Peace & Health,
Jen

Why Midwifery Care Matters

It was dark by the time I got home from my prenatal appointment yesterday. My car was covered in a slushy, messy, frozen coating of snow and ice from driving three hours in a not-so-lovely storm. I had spent the previous night at my Mom's house in Athabasca so that I wouldn't have to make a round-trip from Fort McMurray to Plamondon for my appointment. When you're in your third trimester, a six hour trip in a car makes for a looooong day - no matter how many breaks you take - so I like to split it up when I can.

My kids missed me terribly and squealed with delight when I walked in the door. It was my husband's last day off and he was cooking up a storm in the kitchen: preparing to serve up some slow-cooker meatballs. I really am so very lucky to have such an amazing partner in life.

I missed them, too. But I was home and all was well.

When I first made the decision to apply for midwifery care at the beginning of my third pregnancy, I did it with a very small amount of hope that I would actually be accepted and thought that if I should get so lucky, I would worry about the logistics then.

You see, there are no midwives in the town I live in. That's right! ZERO midwives...even though we have well over 100 babies born per month in our one tiny hospital.

Being lucky enough to be accepted into a midwifery practice for this baby also meant, for me, that I would not be birthing my baby in my home town. It meant that I would be travelling a total of six hours round trip for every.single.appointment. It meant that I would have to pack up my family and my life in the last couple weeks of my pregnancy. It meant all of that but I was still absolutely OK with it - and I wouldn't be the first mom to do it either!

So here I am now, in the homestretch of my pregnancy and with all the travelling I've been doing lately, it seems I've had a lot of time to think. My most recent trip had me thinking hard about why midwifery care was so important to me and why I was making all these sacrifices just to have the experience I've been longing for since the birth of my first child five years ago.

It was this trip that had me realize that it's not just the birth "experience" that matters. My midwife and I had a great conversation about birth plans and birth stories and she reminded me that the "experience" really lies within the four walls of my own mind. This is something I know well and often tell the moms I converse with work in my work as a doula. But to hear someone say it back to me was exactly what I needed.

I realized that having a midwife is not just about having a home birth. It's not just about having a "natural" birth (whatever that really means these days). The most beneficial part I'm realizing as a newbie mom to the midwifery model of care is that responsibility for whatever kind of birth you want, is in YOUR hands. Midwives encourage moms to research and make truly informed decisions. They encourage moms to THINK about their bodies, their births and their babies....something I'm noticing is becoming less of a thing these days and I don't know why.

Don't get me wrong: I trust and respect doctors just as much as the next guy but what I will never understand is the countless number of moms who just "go with the flow" naively throughout their entire pregnancies. Never asking questions. Never wondering WHY induction and cesarean rates are so high. Never allowing themselves to have a voice during a time in their life that is so incredibly transformational. Just accepting the status quo as is.

Midwives change that!

They ask YOU why...
They ask you how YOU feel...
They ask what YOU want to do...
Because they know it matters.

When a woman is tasked with having to make decisions for herself...she educates herself. I truly believe that no matter what kind of birth a mother has - natural, vaginal, med-free, epidural, induced, cesarean, whatever - a few appointments with a midwife will give them the confidence in themselves to know WHY they are experiencing what they are experiencing. They will then take ownership of those experiences and they will transform into motherhood with the kind of rock-solid confidence and take-no-shit attitude that so many mamas are lacking these days (my past-self included).

THIS is why midwifery care matters.

And without even discussing the cost-saving a midwife provides, THIS is why women (and men) around the world need to keep pressuring our goverments to keep midwifery care alive.

If you agree, please feel free to share!

Peace & Health,
Jen

My Baby...My Birth

 

#abmidwives matter and they need long term contracts! The birthing families of #ymm deserve to have options and, right now, they are very limited.

I'm currently travelling from Fort McMurray to Plamondon every few weeks (by choice) just so I can have a midwife for the birth of my third baby. It's a sacrifice my family and I are willing to make but we shouldn't have to... #mybabymybirth

Roots That Run Deep

I knew from the moment that I stepped into her office that I had made the right decision...

After yet another trip down Highway 63...another full tank of gas that always seems to empty far too soon...another taste of wet, snowy roads and too many wide loads to count, I was questioning whether or not it was all really worth the extra travel to pursue midwifery care in a town that was not my own. Even if that town was now just three hours away as opposed to the usual five that many a mom before me had traveled.

I'm often asked, "Why?!"

Why would I put myself through all this extra "hassle" when I could easily continue seeing my doctor at home and could hire a group of unbelievable doulas who I love and trust to support me in having the most amazing hospital experience? Well for starters, I want someone to see me through my pregnancy who has similar philosophies about pregnancy and birth. I want someone to support me in having the kind of experience that maybe looks just a little bit different than what one would typically find in a regular hospital setting.

Yes, I want all of that. But this is about so much more.

It was a quaint little office that smelled of sage and had a peaceful, earthy vibe to it. The window facing the park adorned green drapes that made you feel like you were in the forest on a cool, summer day. There was a small computer desk and a comfy love seat. Very inviting...very cozy.

We sat and chatted for just over an hour! We talked about my previous birth experiences, my life as a HypnoDoula and my family's history in the Lac La Biche region and why it just seemed so fitting to plan to give birth where my roots run deep.

For once, I didn't have to embarrassingly hop onto a scale mere seconds after our first hello to discuss whether or not my weight gain was on par or if I had indulged in too many Halloween treats that weekend (which, in case you didn't know, is huge for a plus-size mom). For once, I didn't have to worry about wearing my lightest yoga pants and strip off my extra sweaters to try and save a couple of pounds in hopes of avoiding the topic of "big babies" and all of the "oh-so-scary issues" that come along with them. And for once, I sure as hell didn't have to have any awkward conversations about the size of my belly and the amount of stretch marks I *still* have from my previous gargantuan babies (who, for the record, were both born vaginally without said "issues"...).

In fact, the only thing I was invited to do after a quick blood pressure check was to get comfortable on that love seat and be patient while she spoke lovingly to the baby inside my belly and listened away to the beautiful sound of a "happy" baby's heart beat (her words, not mine).

My appointment ended with us both checking our phones to find an agreeable time to meet again and then we parted with a hug and a genuine "it was so nice meeting you!"

I hopped back into my truck and headed over to my Grandma's house in Lac La Biche after that appointment. Chris was on days off and was home with the kids so I had nowhere that I needed to be. My lunch hour consisted of tea, fruit and special conversation with my Grams. She showed me her spare bedroom that she had already been organizing in hopes that I'd be able to have a home birth at her house. It was all just too perfect. I looked around her living room with a completely different eye than the hundreds of times before and wondered if I could visualize myself having a baby there. The first thing that struck me was all the pictures of my very close family hanging on her walls and placed so lovingly atop her mantle. That's when I knew that yes, by all means, how could I not experience the birth of our newest addition surrounded by those photos and all that energy and history?! That is, after all, one of the very things that excites me most about having a baby at "home" with a midwife: A baby will be birthed from my body, yes, but into the arms and hearts of a family that loves each other beyond measure. There seems to be no other care provider I've met to-date that sees the value of that in the same way I do...until now...

And for that, I am so grateful and so very excited for such an opportunity!

Peace & Health,
Jen

The Melting Point of Wax

When I joined the Leadership Wood Buffalo program in 2007, we started our epic journey in community leadership with a three-day retreat at Christina Lake Lodge. Those three days still hold a special place in my heart as they allowed me to spend some time away from the hustle and bustle of it all and to really get to know myself a little more.

One of the assignments we were given was to find an object or "something" that represented leadership to us. At the time, I really had no idea what to choose so thinking from more of a "personal leadership" perspective, I chose to share one of my favourite songs. A song by a band called Thrice, The Melting Point of Wax, signifies (to me) the risks we take in our lives to achieve something we really, really want. Sometimes those risks will be worthwhile and we will achieve great things. Sometimes, however, the risk will have been too great and we may fail - but, at the end of the day, I believe we'll never truly know what we are destined for if we don't take that first leap of faith. The piece of the song that speaks to me the most is:

"There's no promise of safety with these secondhand wings
But I'm willing to find out what impossible means.
I'll climb through the heavens on feathers and dreams
'Cause the melting point of wax means nothing to me."

Feel free to view the rest of the lyrics here. Or, better yet, download the song on iTunes and support great artists!

The reason I'm writing about risk and taking leaps of faith is because I feel lately like I'm at a turning point in my life...have you ever felt like that? This year is a special one in that it marks the 30th birthdays of me and some of my very close girlfriends. I'm not gonna lie, leaving behind my twenties makes me feel a sense of urgency and responsibility to get my proverbial shit together. It's really got me thinking about the last three decades I've been earth-side and what I've accomplished to date. It's also made me think about what my future goals are and now I completely understand why people have mid-life crises. In all of this thinking, I also realized that as of yesterday, I had exactly 30 Fridays before I turned the big 3-0 so I've decided that I'm going to do a fun little adaptation of the "30 Things Before 30" lists that you always see floating around on Pinterest.

Mine will simply be called "30 to 30" and rather than setting a specific list of things to do (because I'm horrible at keeping lists), I've decided that each week leading up until my birthday, I'm simply going to do one thing that I've always wanted to do but have not done because I've been too scared, lazy, tired, busy, shy, reserved, uncertain, etc... You name the excuse and I have probably used it at some point in time...

So my first leap?! Well, last night I finally took a deep breath, held my chin up high and sent in my application for full-fledged yoga teacher training in the fall! After having a little heart-to-heart with myself while trying to put together a letter of intent for the program, I realized I am sooooo ready for this and can't wait to share my journey with you!

Peace & Health,
Jen

The Floodwaters are Rising

It's been quite some time since I've written a post lately and I could tell I was due for a good, ol' fashioned mind-emptying by how I've been feeling lately.

I guess I've always been a sufferer of angst and stress to some degree but for the last couple of years, I know for certain that I've been more vulnerable to it with my unstable mommy hormones AND the two busy babes that I wrangle all day.

My trouble as of late is figuring out the balancing act of being a mom, a wife, a self-employed birth worker, a volunteer and well, me.

I went to a really great presentation today by Heather Plante, Pediatric Sleep Consultant and owner of Soothing Angels based out of Edmonton. She came to Fort McMcMurray to speak to the weary and exhausted moms and dads (mostly moms) of our baby-booming community through the 1st Annual Parent Conference. I'm thankful the Fort McMurray Early Years Coalition put together this conference because there were a few things that she said that resonated so strongly with me. Yes, while we were all there to figure out our children's sleep issues, our ultimate goal was to try and figure out how to get more sleep for ourselves and, consequently, be better parents (and people, in my opinion).

If you are a parent, I'm sure you are fully aware of that zombie stage of parenting that sometimes lasts a couple of months or, for some unfortunate souls, years. Maybe you remember it from many years ago. Maybe, like me, you're in the thick of it as we speak and you're one more middle-of-the-night feeding away from wanting to run and never look back (there's a reason I'm training for that 10K)!

Anyway, that's why I went to see Heather.

She shared some great advice and a lot of very interesting information about sleep habits but most of all, she heeded a very important reminder to us moms and dads (mostly moms). When you're in the thick of parenting and you're trying to figure it all out, you can't forget who 'ME' is. Her words exactly: "You HAVE to remember who Mommy was before Mommy was a Mommy." Period.

THAT was my main take away.

As I mentioned earlier, I knew I was due for a new post. Writing and sending my messages into cyberspace (as random as they may be) are kind of my main outlet really and one I know I don't utilize often enough (guilty!). Writing and blogging is my way to get shit off my chest without having to deal with the uncomfortable face-to-face talk involved in spilling my problems to people. And while I think I make a pretty crappy "blogger" in terms of consistency, direction or thematics, it's really about all I've got some days so for now, if you're still reading that is, I promise cohesiveness one day...ha!

So here I am:




Sitting at the Snye...quiet and alone...having a coffee in complete peace. Passed up a movie date with my hubby and even a Beach Boys concert (crazy, right?) just to sit here and be. To think about and remember who 'me' is and figure out a plan to bring her back from the land of the zombies.

I've felt the stress levels rising inside me lately and knew they were going to spill over soon if I didn't do something.

Settled on the shores of the Clearwater River are huge chunks of ice that oddly resemble the weight of the world on the shoulders of a long, drawn out winter that never seemed to quit. The waters are high and stagnant-looking yet strangely calming. It's nice to know I'm not the only one with levels rising, awaiting that big release.

Jen ~ xo

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